This morning I handed over the shoe box, now containing, packed in the shredded paper, little pieces of my heart – tender casualties, torn, lost, gathered up and returned for safe-keeping by people who noticed when I didn’t, or when I couldn’t care less (or thought I couldn’t) – people in my communities: dancers, movers, astangi’s, people of queerness, autistics … I handed it to someone I trust to hold it. The thing is, it’s made of cardboard and for a while I need someone to keep it dry.
If you have any clue what the shoe box is all about, you will know already that I’m in a process of restructuring my ribcage. (If you don’t have a clue, read this.) When you start to change deeply held physical patterns, it goes without saying that you’re going to reveal deeply held emotional and behavioural patterns too. It’s like flakes of old paint lifting away and what’s left is a kind of transparency.
On my mat this morning. Solstice sunrise. Light and darkness shifting in the balance. The last bit of rib rejigging, which in the moment seemed like barely anything at all, afterwards unleashed a crazy tumult of feelings too big and too swirling to categorise into words that name emotions. It’s said that autistic people lack capacity to recognise emotions. This is called alexithymia. I think the issue is actually that the English language lacks vocabulary with the finesse to name the breadth, depth and particularity of autistic emotions. And that we need time. It takes a while to process 42 per cent extra multiplying exponentially. Especially when, like me, you feel and think in images, and words are a second language.
What floats to the surface of my consciousness on my mat this morning is fear. The kind that seizes your heart, yanks it up and takes your breath away. I’m afraid that this process is going to be ended before I’m ready. It’s something about being sloughed off that seems to have happened to me again and again: being taken for my surface, which appears more capable than I am, when really I could hold myself only by contorting and contracting, and ending up with a ribcage doing something like a double helix. I’m afraid that there isn’t time, and at all costs I have to beat you to it, because it’s shameful to be left behind and unbearable to be abandoned. I notice that, subtly, surreptitiously, I’ve started rushing and pushing and working physically where I can’t quite maintain it. It’s a bit painful, a bit over my edge. I notice that instead I could breathe, slow down, consider expressing a need and just resting – breathing – in the vulnerability of it all. I could stay soft and vibrant. It’s a possibility.
As an autistic person, I’ve always been panicked by neuro-normative timeframes; developmentally, I’ve spent a lot of my life running – futilely – to keep up (and now that I’m over 50, it seems I don’t know how to age like a neurotypical person either). I first became aware of the discrepancy between me and the neurotypical plotline when I started school. It was like being tossed to the wolves. I didn’t know any pack rules and neither did I have any innate capacity for learning them. It was also a multi-sensory overload of about 1,000 per cent. I ‘coped’ by cutting myself off, shutting myself down and not eating.
If this seems extreme, you may be underestimating the force of neuro policing and the stringency of the sanctions for non-compliance. Thoughout my childhood I had nightmares about living under tyrannical dictatorship – often by daleks or Nazis. I felt like an occupied country. The only way not to be killed under their thumb was absolute obedience. It’s the ultimate form of passing. They don’t have to destroy you; you obliterate yourself.
I realise on my mat that maybe this is some of why I was crying. After the last ribcage thing, I cried off and on for two days: an outpouring of grief that overflowed storm drains and leached into every crack and crevice. A cumulative grief of no fixed abode and no singular origin.
I’m grateful for the shoe-box, but I need to expand it. What’s happening for me is so much larger than the paradigm, and I can’t legislate for the depth and dimensions of the process. The first expanded container I emerged was a metal water tank – the kind of thing that might be in your back garden. You could keep a mermaid alive in a water tank. Just. But then, like the transformation scene in a high-end pantomime, it all began to change, and what started as two-foot-by-three-foot became an Olympic swimming pool. All that water! Now what could you do in a container like that?
Every time I negotiate for autism-friendly space I feel as if I’m going to die. It’s a swooping, heart-stopping rollercoaster of a feeling. I want to hold my breath and close my eyes. It’s as if I were seeking something that isn’t legitimate, rather than just room to be and to feel. It’s an extraordinarily vulnerable and frustrating place of wanting and testing and hoping and holding myself back. I often fear that there’s something manipulative in seeking structures in which I don’t have to distort or circumscribe myself in order to relate to you. There’s a dance I sometimes do in which I tie myself up in my own clothes. That.
It occurred to me recently – I don’t know why I hadn’t seen it before – that I have internalised a rigid set of what I take to be neurotypical boundary regulations, and that while a part of me swings willfully back and forth on creepers across the divide, another part brutally polices the borders. Underneath is a powerful distrust of my own native way of boundarying relationship. It often feels deeply and shamefully dysfunctional. I’m only just starting to know that, though it may look different from your way, I can actually trust it. And so can you.
I don’t know yet what needs to happen to the pieces of my heart. I imagine some sort of reintegration, but what or how hasn’t come to me yet. Maybe it’s in the swimming pool. They’re in a safe space for now.
“A Safe Space is a place where anyone can relax and be able to fully express, without fear of being made to feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unsafe on account of biological sex, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, cultural background, religious affiliation, age, or physical or mental ability.” The Safe Space Network.